i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
