i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
