U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
