oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
