No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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