Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
