I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
