Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This girl is more easily done than said...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
