i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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