We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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