don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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