Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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