I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Just high enough for therapy.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
