I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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