First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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