Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
