what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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