You can't special order awesome
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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