I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
