Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
