So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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