So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
