how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
