just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
