i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
