we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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