Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
