I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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