Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
