Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
