You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
