My sheets look like a crime scene.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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