Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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