i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
