he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
