i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
