i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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