He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
