im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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