i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
