you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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