I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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