Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
