Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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