well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
