I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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