I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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