is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
