PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
