Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
