the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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