woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
